


How Much I Love You

by Lauralot



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Angst, Dark Steve Rogers, Gen, Horror, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Non-Consensual Body Modification
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-05-04 23:22:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5352203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauralot/pseuds/Lauralot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve will do anything to keep Bucky safe.  That much, Natasha knows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Much I Love You

“He looked right at me, and he didn’t even know me.” 

Natasha’s dizzy with pain, but the look on Steve’s face hurts almost as badly as the bullet buried in her shoulder. 

“How’s that even possible?” Wilson asks. “It was like seventy years ago.” 

“Zola.” Steve sounds as lifeless as they’re all soon to be. “Bucky’s whole unit was captured in ’43. Zola experimented on ‘em. Whatever he did, it helped Bucky survive the fall. They must have found him.” 

“None of that’s your fault, Steve,” Natasha says, but her words fall on deaf ears. 

“Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky.” Steve isn’t looking at them. He’s somewhere miles away. “He was my whole world. And now this world’s turned him into their _puppet_.” He spits the word, eyes burning. 

*

“And maybe,” says Fury, “just maybe, we can salvage what’s left.” 

“We?” Steve repeats. “You’re not salvaging anything. HYDRA grew right under your nose and you never even noticed.” 

“Why do you think we’re meeting in this cave?” Fury counters. “I noticed.” 

“How many paid the price before you did?” There’s nothing threatening in Steve’s stance, but the look in his eyes makes Natasha want to reach over and grab him. He looks as if he could tear Fury apart. 

“Look,” Fury says. “I didn’t know about Barnes.” 

“Even if you had, would you have told me? Or would you have compartmentalized that too?” Steve shakes his head. “We’ll stop HYDRA. But I’m calling the shots.” 

“Steve—” Maria begins, but he silences her with a look. 

Fury stares at Natasha, imploring. She tilts her chin up. He let her think he’d died because he couldn’t trust her. Then Fury turns his attention to Wilson. 

“Don’t look at me,” Wilson says. “I do what he does, just slower.” 

And Fury sinks back in his chair, defeated. “Well, it looks like you’re giving the orders now, Captain.” 

Steve finds it in himself to smile. 

*

Barnes is unconscious when Steve hauls him off of the helicarrier, bruised and bloodied. Steve is no better, shot three times and barely upright, but he waves away Natasha and the medics, pointing them toward Bucky. “His arm...” 

“It’s just dislocated,” Natasha says. “They can set it. Steve, you’re losing blood—”

Blood loss doesn’t keep him from grabbing her arm and yanking her to meet his eyes. “The metal arm. We have to get it off him. Now.” 

“Steve—”

“He’s _safe_ , Natasha. I’m not risking Pierce tracking him down through some bug in that _thing_ and stealing him away from me.” 

“Pierce is dead, Steve. Fury shot him.” 

Steve sighs in relief, but the look in his eyes is almost disappointed. “I’m not risking anyone taking him,” he says. “I don’t want him to think that he’s still their tool. I barely got through to him, Nat. Please.” 

“Fine,” she says, slinging Steve’s arm over her shoulder. “But you need a hospital. Now.” 

Once Steve’s out of surgery, she checks in on Barnes in his hospital room. He looks smaller now, curled around the space where his arm used to be as he sleeps. 

*

Natasha can hear the shouting as soon as she steps into the tower. Bruce and Steve, at it again. She shoots Stark a wary look as they move forward. 

“—no justification for keeping Insight up in the air—”

“We were seconds away from hundreds of thousands of people being obliterated, Banner! Next time we might not be fast enough! We need—”

“A gun pointed at everyone on the planet, Steve? That’s what we need?” 

“We have no idea what other weapons HYDRA might have at their disposal! You think the files Natasha dumped had everything? We’re missing huge pieces of information, so many agents have fled—we still don’t know where Rumlow’s gone, and Sam’s still comatose from what that bastard did to him—”

“You’re not the only one who’s hurting, Steve.” 

“This isn’t about me,” Steve hisses, teeth clenched, eyes wide. “It’s about keeping the world safe! Keeping Bucky—”

“We’re back,” Stark says, and Steve whirls to face him. 

“Report.” His face falls into perfect calm. “Were there any agents at the base you raided? Any information on what they could be planning?” 

Natasha shakes her head. “But there were medical records. And the chair they used on Barnes.” 

Steve pales with rage, mouth twisting. “Tear it into scrap.” 

“You got it.” Stark gives a little salute. 

“Wait!” Steve calls after them. “No. We might need to study it so we know exactly what they did to Bucky.” He swallows heavily. “Bring it to one of the labs. Out of the tower. Just—keep it out of my sight.” 

Natasha nods. As they turn to go, the shouting starts back up. 

*

Natasha isn’t sure how long it took for Stark to remodel a whole floor of the tower after Steve’s apartment in the forties, but the effect is uncannily perfect. Barnes is there to greet her at the elevator, and when he says “Natasha!” today, she thinks there’s genuine recognition in his voice. 

The dinner table seems empty without Bruce, even with Coulson filling his seat. And hadn’t that been a punch in the gut, realizing that Fury had lied to them about Coulson? It was the nail in the coffin for Steve; he’s leading SHIELD now, and Fury will have no part. 

“We’ve been listening to old records,” Steve says, giving Barnes’s remaining hand a squeeze. “He’s starting to remember them.” 

“Just one so far,” Barnes says, whistling a few meaures of ‘You Are My Sunshine’ before smiling and passing the salad bowl. “We must have listened to it a hundred times—I don’t know how you put up with me.” 

“You’re the only thing in this rotten world worth putting up with,” Steve says, and they both laugh. 

That’s when Skye speaks. “Captain Rogers, I’ve been looking into the algorithm on the helicarriers, and I’ve found a way to improve—“

Something shatters. The glass that had been in Barnes’s hand is now nothing but shards in his flesh, dripping blood and water.

“Bucky!” Steve grabs his wrist. “Honey, don’t move, I’ll get the first aid—”

“The helicarriers are still up?” Barnes asks, the color draining from his face. “You’re using Zola’s plan?”

“I shouldn’t have said anything,” Skye mutters as Steve escorts Barnes from the room. 

Natasha shakes her head. “You had no way of knowing. Steve should have told him.” 

Steve wants to protect Barnes, of course. And Natasha understands limiting information about the outside world while Barnes is still trying to conquer the demons in his own head. But there was no way he wouldn’t find out sooner rather than later, not when he’s living in the building where the decisions about the helicarriers are being made. 

Natasha picks at her roll, trying not to hear the argument from the bedroom. 

“Bucky, we’d _never_ use them like HYDRA wanted!” 

“You shouldn’t use them at all! I thought you wanted freedom!” 

“I want the world to be safe!” 

“By putting it in a bottle? Is this why I can’t go out, Steve? You were worried about what I’d see?” 

“You know there are HYDRA agents looking for you! Staying here has nothing to do with the helicarriers, it’s just to keep you out of harm’s way!” 

“And that’s a choice you made without me! Just like my arm! Is this why Dr. Banner left? You told me he was going to—”

“Perhaps it would be best if we gave them some time alone,” Coulson says, and everyone agrees. 

*

It’s a week later when Natasha visits Barnes. They’d had a nasty fight, Steve had said. Barnes had wanted to be alone for days. Finally, he’d demanded that Steve take him outside, so they’d gone driving somewhere far away. Maybe to DC to visit Peggy Carter. Steve hadn’t specified, and Natasha hadn’t pried. He’d also said the helicarriers were still a sore subject, and asked that no one bring them up around Bucky again.

“Hey,” she says. Barnes is sitting on the couch, flipping through a photo album Stark had compiled from pictures taken out of Captain America biographies. “How are you doing?”

“Look at him,” Barnes says, running his hand over a picture of sickly child Steve in front of what looks to be a church altar. It must have been his confirmation. “He was so small.” 

“Do you remember those days at all?” Natasha asks. 

Barnes stares at the photo, a crease forming between his eyes. “It’s like trying to remember a story someone told me a long time ago,” he says. “Everything feels so different now, like it was never even real.” 

Natasha doesn’t know what to say to that, so she remains silent. 

“I remember Steve was really stubborn,” Barnes says finally. “I guess that’s never changed.” 

“Bucky,” Natasha says, though her stomach twists with misgivings. “I know you’re angry about the helicarriers. And Steve should have told you. But he’s still the man you used to know, and he wants to make the world a better place. He’d never misuse his power like Pierce did.” 

Barnes stares at her. “I don’t understand.” 

“I’m sorry.” Natasha stands up. “It’s not my place to intrude on your affairs. I just thought—”

“What are you talking about?” Barnes asks. “What helicarriers? Steve shot them down when he found me.” 

Natasha goes cold. 

She takes a step back, right into Steve. He grabs her arm, drags her to the elevator, and calmly tells JARVIS not to let her back in. 


End file.
